Movie Reviews - I
Ice Age: Felt pretty formulaic, not as creative as I'd hoped. I can see a bunch of writers sitting around a table saying stuff like, "what's funny when it's cold?", and somebody pipes up, "snowball fights", another voice says, "getting your tongue frozen to the ice", etc. I did really like the whole bit with the squirrel-thing who was trying to hide the nut though!
The Ice Harvest: One of those caper movies with a plot that twists around and around - trust nobody, etc, etc, etc... Do I sound jaded? Why do I continue to see movies? Perhaps it's because even when I've seen the formula before, it's still worth seeing again. This one is worth seeing, but not worth ignoring your children over... go read them a book instead.
Ice Pirates: I am blessed. I have lived through a period of time which has seen the release of this beautiful piece of grand cinema. I can only attempt to review this movie. Words... ha! words can hardly describe the awesome impact that this movie has had on... on everything and everybody. All things are trivial compared to the artistic perfection that is this movie. It is truly a pity that the running time is only on the order of an hour and a half. A mere speck of time to try and absorb the greatness on the screen. A pity also that this movie is limited to two dimensions on the screen and the simple senses of sight and sound. Ah, but to even imagine immersion in this blissful world of ice and space! Life is not fair!!!!
Igby Goes Down: I have no sympathy for this little frickin brat, and I don't see how anyone could. In fact, all the characters are very one-dimentional & shallow... and we're supposed to think they're "deep"? Who cares about these people? Not me.
In America: Yes, it was a good movie and all... but something about it seemed just a little too, um, "dramatic". Like everything was so heavy and serious... I know they lost a child, but still!
An Incovenient Truth: The trouble is that there is so much data itís easy for skeptics to find an error in some non-critical factoid, and dismiss the entire conclusion by association. i.e. the list of peer-reviewed articles that Gore shows. Anybody who actually thinks that humans arenít having a dramatic impact on the health of the planet is living in a fantasy world.
The Incredibles: Truly, why does reality have to be so dull?
Indecent Proposal: It was very intriguing. I guess it would depend on your value system - whether you'd accept the proposal. One hint though, if you have to think about it, then your answer should be no.
Independence Day: What follows is a scene-by-scene analysis of why this was the worst movie ever made. I don't mind seeing bad movies, but usually, everyone agrees that they're bad, so there's no problem. Somehow, this movie made tons of money, and people are STILL talking about how much they liked it! That really makes me want to puke. I can't even say this would be an enjoyable movie for a 12-year-old boy (I used to be one you know...). It operates at such a low level of intelligence that it makes me lose faith in humanity. Every character is awful, the premise is totally unbelievable, the writing is plain silly, and the whole marketing of it just makes (made) me want to slap people. The worst part is that it gave credence to the notion that hollywood can throw tons of money at bad movies and make them into hits. Possibly the very worst thing about this movie is that I paid money to see it... not once, but twice! I had to rent it in order to write this "review". so, without further delay:
scene 1: They arrive. How the hell is the surface of the moon shaking? Sound waves don't travel in space. (Boy, these alien ships look a lot like the ships in "V"... remember that?)
scene 2: SETI finds out. Give me a break, as soon as the alien ship was anywhere NEAR the moon, every backyard astronomer on the planet would see it. They'd be calling CNN so fast it would make your head spin. The story would be on the news in the jungles of Cameroon within 30 minutes.
scene 3: Dept of Defense. "It's slowing down sir?"... With all that fancy $billion equipment, that's all they know?
scene 4: Wife calls the Prez. This guy is a total schmuck - there's no way he'd get elected. Plus, he'd have been woken up hours earlier by the Defense Dept... what's this totally stupid set-up about the president being unpopular too? I guess the only thing that will save his popularity is to have the earth attacked by aliens... maybe the whole thing is just a big publicity stunt.
scene 4: Enter Jeff Goldblum. Enough already! hasn't he played this same character in every movie since "The Fly"?
scene 5: TV station goes nuts. They'd already know exactly why there are problems with all their equipment.
scene 6: Drunken crop duster. As if we didn't already have enough silly characters, here's one more. He'd have crashed in a field years before this, or at least be put in jail for dangerous flying. Remember, you can FLY drunk, just don't DRIVE drunk.
scene 7: Back at the white house. Nobody knows what's going on? Every damn country on the planet would know about this. Oh that's right, to most stupid Americans, the USA is the only country on the planet... Russia?... what state is that in?
scene 8: Various scenes of the aliens arriving. By the way, our fearless president has yet to say one thing... much less anything intelligent. Oh wait... "I'm not leaving!" ya, that's smart. "Advise people not to panic!" sure, that'll work!.
scene 9: Back at the TV station. Let's hide!
scene 10: Back with the drunk pilot. We get to see many good examples of typical Americans... Maybe the people that like this movie can identify with them.
(more arrival shots)
scene 11: At the fresh prince's house. "C'mon daddy, get up!" How long can they drag this out for? This guy is a pilot, but he doesn't even notice a huge spaceship in the sky as soon as he walks outside? No wonder he didn't get into NASA.
scene 12: Jeff has done it! He's the only genius on the planet. Plus, he's just figured out that the aliens don't have synchronized Timex watches either.
scene 13: Presidential address. Nobody is paying attention because the president is a moron. "Please panic in an orderly fashion" oh! wow! Jeff's old woman just happens to be 'in' with the president... what a small world!
scene 14: "You're supposed to be on leave". Where the hell were you planning to go? Palm Springs? Plus, I'm sure they'd really let civilians on the base during a crisis.
scene 15: The president is calling... his wife! Ya, that's important. Aliens are here, and he has to talk to his honey.
scene 16: Jeff and his dad are freaking out.
scene 17: I'm totally convinced the drunken pilot would really make the news. Let's not talk to experts, let's do a story on a drunken lunatic!
scene 18: He didn't get into NASA - too bad. Who the hell cares!!! There are aliens all over the damn place - "NASA" is ancient history!
scene 19: Jasmine has to go to work? This is totally ridiculous! Who the hell would be working anywhere? Much less a stripper working during the middle of the day.
scene 20: The roads wouldn't be jammed in both directions? - everybody would be driving on the wrong side of the road to get out of Washington DC.
scene 21: Triangulate her position? Bullshit. There's no way he could do that. who is this guy... MacGuyver?
scene 22: Like she would actually get him in the white house - security is so damn tight under even normal conditions. Someone who "punched the president" would probably still be in jail. Of course, all the government experts couldn't figure out what Mr. Goldblum has figured out. "They're using our own satellites against us"? After coming millions of miles through interstellar space, the aliens aren't smart enough to communicate with their own equipment, but they're smart enough to use ours!) Oh, that's right, they don't even have timex watches.
scene 23: Evacuate LA!.... But avoid the highways. hmmm.
scene 24: Who cares about a bunch of lunatics on the roof of some building? There are bigger problems to go fix!
scene 25: Kablaamo!! OK... if aliens really wanted to destroy the earth, we'd never even see them. They'd just stay a million miles away and blast us from there. These aliens can't engineer worth a damn (and they're not very good computer programmers either - more on that later). Wouldn't it be easier to just spread a fatal disease? or melt our brains? or about a zillion other ways? No, they have to shoot energy beams into the tops of big city skyscrapers. People have to have a chance to get away by "running", anything else might require more intelligence than these people are capable of (and then we wouldn't have much of a movie...not like we do anyway).
scene 26: The drunk guy called it! He, and he alone knew about this whole plot 10 years ago.
scene 27: At least the president's daughter is safe... who cares about the millions of people who just... Wait! What about my wife!!! Oh no! Screw the people, I need my honey-buns! Where is she?!
scene 29: A bunch of over confident pilots actually think they have a chance in hell. This is like cavemen fighting the Terminator. This whole "war" is so lopsided it isn't even funny.
scene 30: "Where are our 'boys'?" Since when did military radar look like a video game? Oh my! The aliens have shields! Who would have guessed that one? OK... this thing is looking way too much like Star Wars. Half the dialogue is paraphrased Star Wars lines! There's another major problem - the aliens simply would not miss. Ever. Not once. This whole "war" would be over in 10 minutes. Also, the alien can't catch-up to the fresh prince? Gimme a break - why doesn't the alien just fly up above the canyon and blast away?
scene 31: Crashed in the desert! The alien's body suit can't protect against a Will Smith power-punch!
scene 32: Back on air force one (which was another terrible movie by the way). No nukes!? This president can't make a decision to save his life.. much less the country. He's such a wimp too! He can't even take control of a conversation... some president. Oh wait!, Roswell... area 51! That's it! what else! (right next to where will smith crashed by the way! - it's such a small world) Now everything makes sense.
scene 33: The stripper finds the 1st lady - what a coincidence! Her boyfriend is just about to meet the president! It IS a small world.
scene 34: Will talks more trash to the wounded alien. Ya... you're really cool buddy.
scene 35: In area 51. (ever wonder what's in areas 1 through 50? is there an area 52?) OK... probably the only bright spot in the entire movie - it's Data (Brent Spiner... I hope they paid him a lot of money to do this movie)! I didn't even recognize him right away. I do find it hard to believe that any character this... "marginal" is in charge of area 51. After more machismo talk, the prez asks "Can they be killed?" Duh... aren't the ones in front of you dead!? The president proves his stupidity once again.
scene 36: Will arrives at area 51 (which he just happened to fly over). And they don't just confiscate the alien from him instead of letting him in...? No regular army grunt can make that kind of decision.
scene 37: Apocalypse encampment. The stripper "connects" with the first lady... I guess they have a lot in common.
scene 38: Autopsy. It mooooovess! Big surprise. Now how stupid can the government guy be? "let him out!..." what a total f**king idiot! At least the other government guy called him on it. Then the prez decides to try diplomacy. Finally, they do something intelligent and shoot it. The president finally figures out that they intend to kill all humans (go figure!). Finally, he makes a damn decision. Why is Mr. Goldblum so upset? This is such a stupid argument - 90% of humanity is already dead - like nukes are any real threat. Who cares - it's do or die! there is no controversy. But there's one serious problem that nobody even brings up - do we really think that nukes are going to be effective? Afterall, we invented them in the 40's... the aliens have never figured out nuclear power? never thought of this? Ya, it'll be a total surprise to them - wow! a nuclear missile!
scene 39: Nuke attack. Duh. There are no airplane-launched nuclear missiles. (nice fancy screen by the way - what kind of telecast system does that airplane camera have anyway?)
scene 40: Will... among thousands of square miles finds the exact point where his girlfriend is. What an incredible coincidence that is!
scene 41: Nothing we can do for your baby-doll. Isn't the prez sensitive? Comforting his dying wife (who's not even coughing up blood or unconscious or anything - they just sort of gave up on her internal injuries) Meanwhile... THE EARTH IS BEING DESTROYED YOU PATHETIC MORON!!!
scene 42: David (mr. goldblum) is drunk and having "genius flashes". Suddenly, he's not drunk anymore!...
Now, here comes the absolute prime stupid moment in the entire movie. First, "David" has to make a possibly deadly point by shooting aluminum cans. Then, he figures out that the aliens don't have "norton anti-virus" software. All we have to do is sneak into the mother ship... (afterall, he snuck into the white house.) How hard could it be? (Will has seen the aliens fly their spaceships, so he obviously knows how to PILOT the spaceships)
scene 43: The president fires his only intelligent advisor. Figures.
scene 44: All over the planet... everyone knows morse code, but the aliens can't figure it out?... The most primitive code that man has ever devised... and the aliens (who are thousands of years more advanced) can't understand it? OK, I believe this, yes.
scene 45: Crash course in avionics & preparation for the virus attack. Another nuke! there is NO weapon more powerful. Suddenly, Jeff's old woman is in love again (hey, all you need is love... John Lennon.. shot in the head, very sad. - how profound). Will (er sorry, steve) marries his woman - quite touching.
scene 46: The president's inspirational speech. (He sounds drunk). This is the worst, most obvious, most "eye-rolling", most un-original speech I've ever heard. And this background music plays like it's the greatest speech since Gettysburg. It was totally stupid... now that the president's little woman has died, he has "balls". He's going to fly... maybe he'll make a good kamikaze.
scene 47: Preparation. more "chick stuff" (hugs and kisses).
scene 48: Launch! Hey, it isn't that hard to fly an alien space ship! the aliens might not even notice that it's a ship they lost 40 years ago. Now, the aliens NOTICE that the ship was launched - the general even says so! so, how the hell is the ship going to sneak into the alien mother ship? Don't you think they'd just "blow it up"? This is probably the BIGGEST logical blunder in the whole movie! and there have been dozens!
scene 49: Docking with the alien mother ship. This is just dumb for all the reasons I've stated before... Plus, it's another Star Wars rip-off ('...I don't know, fly casual...'). Suddenly, Jeff "David" Goldblum knows how to type in "alien" at 60 words per minute - look at him type away!
scene 50: Still more star wars rip-offs!!! "We have to give Han more time!" Not only did David figure out how to write a computer virus that the aliens computers were subject to... (on his apple notebook too - which we all know are compatible with NOTHING) He wrote one that put their shields down.
scene 51: The aliens have figured out something is up... There is a real war going on! Wait, "It'll be just like shooting womprats..." use the force you stinking drunk! Wait, that didn't work. Oh well... Kamikaze!!! er "up yours!". I think it's really convenient how these HUGE alien ships only have ONE gun, and if it backfires (or something gets in the way of it) the whole ship blows up... more bad engineering.
scene 52: Smoking cigars. Let's get out before the blast doors close! hmmm... no tractor beams? or auto-disable on their ship? or guns that don't miss? Last but not least... why does the alien ship blow up horizontally? Isn't this "outer space" where gravity has no impact? This makes no sense... if anything, the ship should have blown up vertically since that is the path of least resistance.
scene 53: The re-election plan worked! Kill everybody who didn't vote for you!... Like, almost everybody!? Well, everyone is happy anyway, after all, isn't that how all movies should end?
credits: I'm more pissed at this movie now than ever... after just watching the whole thing again. There are probably typos in the above "review", but I really don't give a crap right now. I'm just pissed at every single person in the credits. how can these people let their names be associated with this movie???
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom!: Although it was the weakest of the series (especially with that annoying little kid), it was in a sense the most true to the original concept - a serialized thrill-seeking, adventure movie... with a little campiness thrown in like icing on the cake.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: I have a theory that Spielberg intended to make this a really bad movie. He's a smart guy with a proven track record. There is no reason he would resort to such stupid scenes and plot devices that are sprinkled throughout this movie. The pacing makes no sense - it just jumps from scene to scene, etc. There are so many things wrong with this movie from start to finish... But, why would he do this? Perhaps it's because he really did want to emulate the original inspiration for the series - the movie reels - which weren't very good either. Or, perhaps he wanted to kill the series himself, and not let it turn into some kind of long-running james bond thing. Or, perhaps he's just screwing with everyone. I'm more and more convinced this wasn't just a mistake.
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade: I guess it was good, but it was essentially the same thing as Raiders of the lost ark. I'll have to say that the Monty Python troupe had a lot more fun looking for the holy grrrrail.
Innerspace: Gee whiz, what a nice fun movie. If you're feeling just a little down on a rainy day, see this movie.
The Innocent: A cold war drama. I guess it was a decent movie, but I still don't understand the woman's character... why was she so cruel to the main character? When it comes down to it, there wasn't any reason.
Into Great Silence:Sometimes the biggest truths don't require a single spoken word. We live, we die, inbetween, we what?... think? What a fantastic meditation of a film... In case you don't know, this is a documentary about some monks in France. The monks don't speak, and there is no dialogue in this entire movie (aside from some very short bits). The film simply shows the life of these monks, so that you can better understand it. The movie took decades to plan, and the film followed an entire year. Truly fantastic for anyone looking for a fresh approach to moviemaking.
Job: Completely ridiculous at every
turn... at every car chase, at every explosion, and with every uninspired
Interview With a Vampire: I'll have to say that I liked this. I didn't even mind that it was really long. Just when you thought every possible vampire movie had been done...
In the Bedroom: A charming love story. After a young man tragically dies, his parents grow to accept the love of his girlfriend. The father also gets involved in community service, helping to put away trash that had been polluting their quaint seaside town.
Into the Night: Liked it. Before Jeff Goldblum got onto his whole super-scientist kick. I especially liked the Iranian bad guys, they were really likable.
Into the Wild: It moved me. I appreciated the acting, the direction, the story, the message - and the music. It was really a full package. I've heard people criticize Christopher McCandless - the real person behind the movie. They simply know nothing, and don't get the point. To me, they're missing out on the experience and joy that is freedom and life. I've met many people like McCandless who by luck or skill lived a happier ending. They are the reason the world is interesting.
It's a Wonderful Life: Hey, your life isn't that wonderful. You're stuck in a dead-end job in a small boring town. Now, you owe everybody in the town money too. All of them know that you're a loser who can't manage a bank. Kill yourself & do it right, you'll be doing everybody a favor.
I.Q.: Dang, that Meg Ryan is just so darn cute. This movie is off the "Meg Ryan cuteness" charts. Oh, she's perky too! Very perky in this movie. This film proves that she does her best "work" when she just gives in and lets the perky cuteness take over. (Gotta love this movie, it even has Einstein!)
I, Robot: First off, I don't know why the Fresh Prince gets these roles... He's always the same guy, I think they should have cast someone else... Second, the premise of this movie was completely absurd - the only way the inventor of the robots can prove they're dangerous is to have one of them kill him? and then leave a trail of breadcrumbs for some marginal cop to figure out? Give me a break! There are about a thousand other ways he could have "gone public", and more effectively too. His bizarre scheme ended up getting all sorts of people killed when the "evil robot program" kicked in. Could have nipped that in the bud with a simple press-conference! Still, the movie did have some neat effects and some light, thought-provoking dialogue, but the premise just killed it.
I Shot Andy Warhol: That's one wacko lady. This is the true story of the woman who shot Andy Warhol (didn't kill him though, just screwed him up a bit). Why did she do it? Well, it's more complicated that I can even understand. I guess she needed to feel connected with him again, maybe she was just pissed at him for cutting her out. In any event, this movie is a good study of a disturbed individual. Seeing this movie is a lot like having a conversation with that crazy old lady on the sidewalk who talks to the traffic lights... Remember, she used to be younger and a bit more sane.