Mildly entertaining… But just mildly. Mostly, I was thinking, “boy, this is pretty dumb”. They had an interesting premise – superhero with ‘psychological issues’, but had nowhere to go with it. I mean the whole backstory seemed kind of contrived.

Wild Wild West

God, what a dumb movie!!! I feel I should apologize for this even being on my list. I didn’t mean to see it, really! It was a total accident. Some idiot gave us the wrong directions to a theater and this was the only thing playing there. We meant to see Austin Powers II that night. Instead, I got to experience a new low in Hollywood moviecranking.


I, Robot

First off, I don’t know why the Fresh Prince gets these roles… He’s always the same guy, I think they should have cast someone else… Second, the premise of this movie was completely absurd – the only way the inventor of the robots can prove they’re dangerous is to have one of them kill him? and then leave a trail of breadcrumbs for some marginal cop to figure out? Give me a break! There are about a thousand other ways he could have “gone public”, and more effectively too. His bizarre scheme ended up getting all sorts of people killed when the “evil robot program” kicked in. Could have nipped that in the bud with a simple press-conference! Still, the movie did have some neat effects and some light, thought-provoking dialogue, but the premise just killed it.

Independence Day

What follows is a scene-by-scene analysis of why this was the worst movie ever made. I don’t mind seeing bad movies, but usually, everyone agrees that they’re bad, so there’s no problem. Somehow, this movie made tons of money, and people are STILL talking about how much they liked it! That really makes me want to puke. I can’t even say this would be an enjoyable movie for a 12-year-old boy (I used to be one you know…). It operates at such a low level of intelligence that it makes me lose faith in humanity. Every character is awful, the premise is totally unbelievable, the writing is plain silly, and the whole marketing of it just makes (made) me want to slap people. The worst part is that it gave credence to the notion that hollywood can throw tons of money at bad movies and make them into hits. Possibly the very worst thing about this movie is that I paid money to see it… not once, but twice! I had to rent it in order to write this “review”. so, without further delay:

scene 1: They arrive. How the hell is the surface of the moon shaking? Sound waves don’t travel in space. (Boy, these alien ships look a lot like the ships in “V”… remember that?)

scene 2: SETI finds out. Give me a break, as soon as the alien ship was anywhere NEAR the moon, every backyard astronomer on the planet would see it. They’d be calling CNN so fast it would make your head spin. The story would be on the news in the jungles of Cameroon within 30 minutes.

scene 3: Dept of Defense. “It’s slowing down sir?”… With all that fancy $billion equipment, that’s all they know?

scene 4: Wife calls the Prez. This guy is a total schmuck – there’s no way he’d get elected. Plus, he’d have been woken up hours earlier by the Defense Dept… what’s this totally stupid set-up about the president being unpopular too? I guess the only thing that will save his popularity is to have the earth attacked by aliens… maybe the whole thing is just a big publicity stunt.

scene 4: Enter Jeff Goldblum. Enough already! hasn’t he played this same character in every movie since “The Fly”?

scene 5: TV station goes nuts. They’d already know exactly why there are problems with all their equipment.

scene 6: Drunken crop duster. As if we didn’t already have enough silly characters, here’s one more. He’d have crashed in a field years before this, or at least be put in jail for dangerous flying. Remember, you can FLY drunk, just don’t DRIVE drunk.

scene 7: Back at the white house. Nobody knows what’s going on? Every damn country on the planet would know about this. Oh that’s right, to most stupid Americans, the USA is the only country on the planet… Russia?… what state is that in?

scene 8: Various scenes of the aliens arriving. By the way, our fearless president has yet to say one thing… much less anything intelligent. Oh wait… “I’m not leaving!” ya, that’s smart. “Advise people not to panic!” sure, that’ll work!.

scene 9: Back at the TV station. Let’s hide!

scene 10: Back with the drunk pilot. We get to see many good examples of typical Americans… Maybe the people that like this movie can identify with them.

(more arrival shots)

scene 11: At the fresh prince’s house. “C’mon daddy, get up!” How long can they drag this out for? This guy is a pilot, but he doesn’t even notice a huge spaceship in the sky as soon as he walks outside? No wonder he didn’t get into NASA.

scene 12: Jeff has done it! He’s the only genius on the planet. Plus, he’s just figured out that the aliens don’t have synchronized Timex watches either.

scene 13: Presidential address. Nobody is paying attention because the president is a moron. “Please panic in an orderly fashion” oh! wow! Jeff’s old woman just happens to be ‘in’ with the president… what a small world!

scene 14: “You’re supposed to be on leave”. Where the hell were you planning to go? Palm Springs? Plus, I’m sure they’d really let civilians on the base during a crisis.

scene 15: The president is calling… his wife! Ya, that’s important. Aliens are here, and he has to talk to his honey.

scene 16: Jeff and his dad are freaking out.

scene 17: I’m totally convinced the drunken pilot would really make the news. Let’s not talk to experts, let’s do a story on a drunken lunatic!

scene 18: He didn’t get into NASA – too bad. Who the hell cares!!! There are aliens all over the damn place – “NASA” is ancient history!

scene 19: Jasmine has to go to work? This is totally ridiculous! Who the hell would be working anywhere? Much less a stripper working during the middle of the day.

scene 20: The roads wouldn’t be jammed in both directions? – everybody would be driving on the wrong side of the road to get out of Washington DC.

scene 21: Triangulate her position? Bullshit. There’s no way he could do that. who is this guy… MacGuyver?

scene 22: Like she would actually get him in the white house – security is so damn tight under even normal conditions. Someone who “punched the president” would probably still be in jail. Of course, all the government experts couldn’t figure out what Mr. Goldblum has figured out. “They’re using our own satellites against us”? After coming millions of miles through interstellar space, the aliens aren’t smart enough to communicate with their own equipment, but they’re smart enough to use ours!) Oh, that’s right, they don’t even have timex watches.

scene 23: Evacuate LA!…. But avoid the highways. hmmm.

scene 24: Who cares about a bunch of lunatics on the roof of some building? There are bigger problems to go fix!

scene 25: Kablaamo!! OK… if aliens really wanted to destroy the earth, we’d never even see them. They’d just stay a million miles away and blast us from there. These aliens can’t engineer worth a damn (and they’re not very good computer programmers either – more on that later). Wouldn’t it be easier to just spread a fatal disease? or melt our brains? or about a zillion other ways? No, they have to shoot energy beams into the tops of big city skyscrapers. People have to have a chance to get away by “running”, anything else might require more intelligence than these people are capable of (and then we wouldn’t have much of a movie…not like we do anyway).

scene 26: The drunk guy called it! He, and he alone knew about this whole plot 10 years ago.

scene 27: At least the president’s daughter is safe… who cares about the millions of people who just… Wait! What about my wife!!! Oh no! Screw the people, I need my honey-buns! Where is she?!

scene 29: A bunch of over confident pilots actually think they have a chance in hell. This is like cavemen fighting the Terminator. This whole “war” is so lopsided it isn’t even funny.

scene 30: “Where are our ‘boys’?” Since when did military radar look like a video game? Oh my! The aliens have shields! Who would have guessed that one? OK… this thing is looking way too much like Star Wars. Half the dialogue is paraphrased Star Wars lines! There’s another major problem – the aliens simply would not miss. Ever. Not once. This whole “war” would be over in 10 minutes. Also, the alien can’t catch-up to the fresh prince? Gimme a break – why doesn’t the alien just fly up above the canyon and blast away?

scene 31: Crashed in the desert! The alien’s body suit can’t protect against a Will Smith power-punch!

scene 32: Back on air force one (which was another terrible movie by the way). No nukes!? This president can’t make a decision to save his life.. much less the country. He’s such a wimp too! He can’t even take control of a conversation… some president. Oh wait!, Roswell… area 51! That’s it! what else! (right next to where will smith crashed by the way! – it’s such a small world) Now everything makes sense.

scene 33: The stripper finds the 1st lady – what a coincidence! Her boyfriend is just about to meet the president! It IS a small world.

scene 34: Will talks more trash to the wounded alien. Ya… you’re really cool buddy.

scene 35: In area 51. (ever wonder what’s in areas 1 through 50? is there an area 52?) OK… probably the only bright spot in the entire movie – it’s Data (Brent Spiner… I hope they paid him a lot of money to do this movie)! I didn’t even recognize him right away. I do find it hard to believe that any character this… “marginal” is in charge of area 51. After more machismo talk, the prez asks “Can they be killed?” Duh… aren’t the ones in front of you dead!? The president proves his stupidity once again.

scene 36: Will arrives at area 51 (which he just happened to fly over). And they don’t just confiscate the alien from him instead of letting him in…? No regular army grunt can make that kind of decision.

scene 37: Apocalypse encampment. The stripper “connects” with the first lady… I guess they have a lot in common.

scene 38: Autopsy. It mooooovess! Big surprise. Now how stupid can the government guy be? “let him out!…” what a total f**king idiot! At least the other government guy called him on it. Then the prez decides to try diplomacy. Finally, they do something intelligent and shoot it. The president finally figures out that they intend to kill all humans (go figure!). Finally, he makes a damn decision. Why is Mr. Goldblum so upset? This is such a stupid argument – 90% of humanity is already dead – like nukes are any real threat. Who cares – it’s do or die! there is no controversy. But there’s one serious problem that nobody even brings up – do we really think that nukes are going to be effective? Afterall, we invented them in the 40’s… the aliens have never figured out nuclear power? never thought of this? Ya, it’ll be a total surprise to them – wow! a nuclear missile!

scene 39: Nuke attack. Duh. There are no airplane-launched nuclear missiles. (nice fancy screen by the way – what kind of telecast system does that airplane camera have anyway?)

scene 40: Will… among thousands of square miles finds the exact point where his girlfriend is. What an incredible coincidence that is!

scene 41: Nothing we can do for your baby-doll. Isn’t the prez sensitive? Comforting his dying wife (who’s not even coughing up blood or unconscious or anything – they just sort of gave up on her internal injuries) Meanwhile… THE EARTH IS BEING DESTROYED YOU PATHETIC MORON!!!

scene 42: David (mr. goldblum) is drunk and having “genius flashes”. Suddenly, he’s not drunk anymore!…

Now, here comes the absolute prime stupid moment in the entire movie. First, “David” has to make a possibly deadly point by shooting aluminum cans. Then, he figures out that the aliens don’t have “norton anti-virus” software. All we have to do is sneak into the mother ship… (afterall, he snuck into the white house.) How hard could it be? (Will has seen the aliens fly their spaceships, so he obviously knows how to PILOT the spaceships)

scene 43: The president fires his only intelligent advisor. Figures.

scene 44: All over the planet… everyone knows morse code, but the aliens can’t figure it out?… The most primitive code that man has ever devised… and the aliens (who are thousands of years more advanced) can’t understand it? OK, I believe this, yes.

scene 45: Crash course in avionics & preparation for the virus attack. Another nuke! there is NO weapon more powerful. Suddenly, Jeff’s old woman is in love again (hey, all you need is love… John Lennon.. shot in the head, very sad. – how profound). Will (er sorry, steve) marries his woman – quite touching.

scene 46: The president’s inspirational speech. (He sounds drunk). This is the worst, most obvious, most “eye-rolling”, most un-original speech I’ve ever heard. And this background music plays like it’s the greatest speech since Gettysburg. It was totally stupid… now that the president’s little woman has died, he has “balls”. He’s going to fly… maybe he’ll make a good kamikaze.

scene 47: Preparation. more “chick stuff” (hugs and kisses).

scene 48: Launch! Hey, it isn’t that hard to fly an alien space ship! the aliens might not even notice that it’s a ship they lost 40 years ago. Now, the aliens NOTICE that the ship was launched – the general even says so! so, how the hell is the ship going to sneak into the alien mother ship? Don’t you think they’d just “blow it up”? This is probably the BIGGEST logical blunder in the whole movie! and there have been dozens!

scene 49: Docking with the alien mother ship. This is just dumb for all the reasons I’ve stated before… Plus, it’s another Star Wars rip-off (‘…I don’t know, fly casual…’). Suddenly, Jeff “David” Goldblum knows how to type in “alien” at 60 words per minute – look at him type away!

scene 50: Still more star wars rip-offs!!! “We have to give Han more time!” Not only did David figure out how to write a computer virus that the aliens computers were subject to… (on his apple notebook too – which we all know are compatible with NOTHING) He wrote one that put their shields down.

scene 51: The aliens have figured out something is up… There is a real war going on! Wait, “It’ll be just like shooting womprats…” use the force you stinking drunk! Wait, that didn’t work. Oh well… Kamikaze!!! er “up yours!”. I think it’s really convenient how these HUGE alien ships only have ONE gun, and if it backfires (or something gets in the way of it) the whole ship blows up… more bad engineering.

scene 52: Smoking cigars. Let’s get out before the blast doors close! hmmm… no tractor beams? or auto-disable on their ship? or guns that don’t miss? Last but not least… why does the alien ship blow up horizontally? Isn’t this “outer space” where gravity has no impact? This makes no sense… if anything, the ship should have blown up vertically since that is the path of least resistance.

scene 53: The re-election plan worked! Kill everybody who didn’t vote for you!… Like, almost everybody!? Well, everyone is happy anyway, after all, isn’t that how all movies should end?

credits: I’m more pissed at this movie now than ever… after just watching the whole thing again. There are probably typos in the above “review”, but I really don’t give a crap right now. I’m just pissed at every single person in the credits. how can these people let their names be associated with this movie???